Well first off I am sorry that I have not been on in over two months!  That seems ridiculous with the amount of nothing I have been doing.  Anyway I’ll start where I left off.  I went to Poland!  Yeah my first international flight is over, good memories attached.  It was super fun and I totally went beyond my comfort zone with being outgoing, I could have done better and I wish I had, but I believe I had some impact.  I knew a few people on the trip, but only really hung with one and that was a year ago!  So I got to know a lot of people which made me so excited because I really found some good friends.  Anyway it was a good experience which I will tell about on another post; maybe even share some journal entries.

So onto the rest of the summer, when I got back it was fun to tell of my little adventure, and then get excited for my 21^st birthday!  Yes, it was great!  I didn’t get drunk, but a little tipsy.  It was fun and now its over.  This is the first birthday where I really feel older.  I think I look it too.  It’s good for me, because I need to grow up and start thinking of the future in terms of reality and not imagination.  I’ll get what I dream of if I do some things in the next two years that may not be what I want.  I’ll take responsibility.  Other than that I have had my summer job.  Not too exciting.  I work at a summer camp and everyday is about the same.  There has been more drama then normal, but still the same old thing.  That’s a whole other story though…

I have recently made up my mind to make some laws to my sad little life.  To make me stay in the boundaries of what I need to get accomplished in the next two years.  It’s going to be good to put those ideas on paper.  Now I need to do that.  So I will continue with how despise the summer complacency later…

I don’t know how to say this. There does not seem a good way, but I will try. I do not know who I am. Others have taken control of that role and now I am trying to take it back and I am now in total confusion. My life seems like a mess. That would be no one’s fault but my own. I cannot describe the feeling that completes me. I am passionate to the point of hate and overwhelming excitement. I have been told that I am very passionate about what my English teaching. That confuses me even more. I am passionate. So what am I supposed to do with that. There are no good answers in my life.

I want to get back into art. I have been doing projects for classes and that has made me want to do more. So I will be doing one for my friend for her Graduation/birthday. The expression that comes out when I draw! I love it and when my hands get all stained with the colors I feel I have really done something. Yet I know that I am not that good and could never do it for a career. I need more instruction on it. I need to practice more. Maybe eventually I will teach it.

I have also been struggling with God lately. It all goes back to Him and my leg. I have tried to do everything for Him and that has not made my life what I want it to be and I have been so unhappy with the way it has turned out. I know that it sounds selfish and that is the one thing I should not be as a follower of Christ but maybe just maybe I cannot follow in the way that I thought I could. I am trying to do all this in the way that every other Christian has done it. I sound like the people I go to school with and that is not what I want. I am called to do as Christ did, but he does not have a certain career picked out for me.

I see lives that others lived that I want to live, and then those lives that I dread living are the ones that the people who control my life live. I have no idea what to do. And I did not realize what a mess and what a hypocrite I was until this moment. I really have no choice but to call myself a Christian.